Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches

GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I need to take some time and consider what’s best for me, whether that’s returning to the Packers, looking for a trade, or even retirement, and I can’t make that decision without input from the tight circle of omnipotent sorceresses who know me best,” Rodgers said of the group of 8,000-year-old crones with whom he will spend several weeks in an undisclosed, uninhabited marsh as they read the entrails of sacrificed animals to divine his fate. “We’ll be gathering during the first blood moon, which is the ideal time for them to peer into the crystals and see into the different futures I would experience if I requested a trade to the Raiders, Jets, or Colts, or tried to move into the broadcast booth. I don’t want to make this decision lightly, so I really want to take my time with Emelda and Hexe, going through all the incantations that will help me settle on a course of action. I’m just really glad I have my coven of witches to help me decide. Not only have they been with me since the beginning of my career, but they also created me.” At press time, Packers general manager Brian Gutekunst reportedly awoke tied up in a mysterious chamber as a croaking old female voice asked him whether he was prepared to convince Rodgers to return for another season as the team’s quarterback by sacrificing backup Jordan Love.

The Onion