Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm

ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little overwhelming, especially since your donations to the sperm bank were supposed to be anonymous, but I just had to meet the man responsible for all that semen I swallowed,” said Nick Hinsdale, explaining how years earlier he had purchased several vials of sperm from a fertility clinic and consumed it for his own gratification. “As I was lapping up the last few drops, I started to have questions, like, where did all this jizz had come from? I decided to save just enough sperm for a DNA test, sent the results to one of those genealogy websites, and last week I finally got a match. My God, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long! I realize it may take some time to process all this, but there’s actually a pretty big group of us all over the country who have drunk your sperm and stay in touch on Facebook. I have so many questions for you, starting with whether you’d mind if I slurped down some more of your cum.” At press time, sources reported that Sanderson had called the police.

The Onion

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