Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

Jaguars: Expect Chiefs coach Andy Reid to have something special up his sleeve for this game. Unfortunately, that will just be a dozen hot dogs.

Zay Jones: The Jags wide receiver has the field awareness needed to witness numerous Trevor Lawrence interceptions.

Josh Allen: This could be a perfect opportunity for the pass rusher to pick up a loose quarterback on the ground and return it for a touchdown.

Patrick Mahomes: Kansas City’s star QB is expected to have his best State Farm commercial yet.

Chris Jones: Expect the massive defensive tackle to struggle to make it out of the Jaguars’ backfield.

Eagles: Jalen Hurts and the Eagles have what it takes to bring a small dollop of joy to Philadelphia citizens’ otherwise bleak, empty lives.

Daniel Jones: The quarterback has a bright future with his next team.

Dexter Lawrence: The Giants colossal nose tackle will rely on his flexibility and athleticism, which allow him to change direction at least once per game.

Jason Kelce: The Eagles’ Pro Bowl center is reportedly practicing a knuckleball hike

Ndamukong Suh: Though playing as a backup, the veteran Suh is hoping he still has a few more dirty plays left in him.

Bengals: After Week 17’s suspended matchup, Cincinnati will be eager to get revenge on Damar Hamlin.

Joe Burrow: Pretty much just needs to go out there and not throw 20 picks to go down as the best quarterback in Bengals history.

Eli Apple: The feisty cornerback will do whatever it takes to be dragged into the end zone while clinging to Josh Allen’s back.

Stefon Diggs: Buffalo’s wideout has shown the ability to make seemingly impossible catches, rending the delicate fabric of our so-called “reality” and plunging NFL fans into a horrid abyss of unfathomable madness.

Tremaine Edmunds: The middle linebacker is the heart and soul and lower intestine and trachea and stapes bone of the Bills defense.

49ers: San Francisco has better defenders, a more explosive offense, and it’s just really gratifying to see Jerry Jones absolutely fucking miserable.

Dak Prescott: He has the kind of arm that can ruin the hopes and dreams of any Cowboys fan.

Micah Parsons: Keep a close eye on the Dallas linebacker, who is a dual threat as a pass rusher and a player who can turn completely invisible for multiple quarters.

Brock Purdy: Luckily for San Francisco, Brock Purdy has zero professional experience with losing and barely comprehends the concept of defeat.

Nick Bosa: Expect Bosa to come out strong on every play in order to sack Dak Prescott before he has the chance to throw a pick.