Jesus' Coming Back

Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things.

Advertisement

“Wow, your liver looks amazing!”

“Wow, your liver looks amazing!”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

It’s generally rude to comment on the appearance of a friend’s internal organs.

Advertisement

“Tonight we’re all going to the local brewery to eat buckets of spent grain.”

“Tonight we’re all going to the local brewery to eat buckets of spent grain.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Don’t be rude and invite them to activities they obviously can’t participate in.

Advertisement

“You know that January is just a social construct established by Roman king Numa Pompilius, right?”

“You know that January is just a social construct established by Roman king Numa Pompilius, right?”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

No need to be snarky.

Advertisement

“Here, rubbing alcohol will disinfect your stab wounds.”

“Here, rubbing alcohol will disinfect your stab wounds.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Why tempt them like this?

Advertisement

“You could move to the Southern Hemisphere for part of the year and avoid Dry January altogether!”

“You could move to the Southern Hemisphere for part of the year and avoid Dry January altogether!”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

You’re mixing up months and seasons.

Advertisement

“Ringo Starr is talentless, and anyone who thinks he brought anything to the Beatles is delusional.”

“Ringo Starr is talentless, and anyone who thinks he brought anything to the Beatles is delusional.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Few people can accept this reality without the help of alcohol.

Advertisement

“But you were always such a happy alcoholic.”

“But you were always such a happy alcoholic.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Don’t remind them that their alcohol dependence was the only thing that made them fun.

Advertisement

“How are you embarrassing yourself this month, then?”

“How are you embarrassing yourself this month, then?”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Humanity has an endless aptitude for humiliation, with or without alcohol.

Advertisement

“That doesn’t sound like you, Billy Joel.”

“That doesn’t sound like you, Billy Joel.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Even Billy Joel needs a break from the sauce.

Advertisement

“You do know Dry January is for alcohol, not water?”

“You do know Dry January is for alcohol, not water?”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

People don’t like being corrected, and besides, they’ll only last a few days without water anyway.

Advertisement

“The duke requests you join him for his nightly toast of Cognac Frapin Chateau Fontpinot.”

“The duke requests you join him for his nightly toast of Cognac Frapin Chateau Fontpinot.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Do not tempt them with the favor of the duke!

Advertisement

“You’re ruining the autobiographical screenplay about our family.”

“You’re ruining the autobiographical screenplay about our family.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

An alcoholic parent is great for awards season, but it may be good in the long run if your dad isn’t a drunk.

Advertisement

“Now you can take double the amount of Tylenol since your liver is free.”

“Now you can take double the amount of Tylenol since your liver is free.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

While true, the price of name-brand acetaminophen has gone up 150% in the past three months.

Advertisement

“But we were supposed to drunk-drive and commit vehicular manslaughter together.”

“But we were supposed to drunk-drive and commit vehicular manslaughter together.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Plans to commit crimes change; don’t make your accomplice feel guilty.

Advertisement

“​All the booze could be gone by February.”

“​All the booze could be gone by February.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Up to them if they want to risk it.

Advertisement

“You’re completely jeopardizing your alcoholism.”

“You’re completely jeopardizing your alcoholism.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

No one appreciates being confronted like that.

Advertisement

“Not even the soberest among us can escape the dark infinitude of death.”

“Not even the soberest among us can escape the dark infinitude of death.”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Grappling with our impending mortality is challenging enough when drunk, let alone sober.

Advertisement

“Well, yeah, isn’t that a condition of your parole?”

“Well, yeah, isn’t that a condition of your parole?”

Image for article titled Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Look, it’s better for everyone if we just pretend they’re doing this because they want to, okay?

Advertisement

You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

Advertisement

The Onion

Comments are closed.

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More