If you’ve been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called “order of worship” really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:
- 9:00 – Church service begins
- 9:07 – Church service actually begins
- 9:08 – Junior pastor repeats everything that was already written in the bulletin
- 9:10 – Greet your neighbor!
- 9:12 – Expertly-timed arrival of introverts
- 9:13 – Opening song “Good, Good Father”
- 9:33 – “Good, Good Father” mercifully comes to a close
- 9:34 – Hendersons finally show up
- 9:35 – Worship leader announces next song is an original
- 9:40 – Congregation removes earplugs
- 9:40 – Pastor leads prayer while praise band disappears into the ether
- 9:41 – Pastor begins weekly brawl with lapel mic
- 9:43 – Untangled from lapel mic, Pastor nails opening joke
- 9:44 – Mrs. Allen begins unwrapping hard candy
- 9:45 – Sound guy finally remembers to flip the slide from “Good, Good Father”
- 9:46 – Lapel mic crashes. Sound guy awkwardly speed walks to front with hand-held mic, sermon resumes
- 9:50 – Mrs. Allen finishes unwrapping hard candy
- 9:55 – Sermon wraps up with closing prayer, praise band rematerializes from the ether
- 9:56 – Offering baskets passed to collect money from any Dave Ramsey disciples who still carry cash
- 9:59 – Helicopter moms leave to retrieve kids from nursery
- 10:00 – Closing song begins. Sound guy realizes backup singer never had her mic turned on. Decides it was for the best
- 10:05 – Introverts take to flight
- 10:06 – Service ends!
Now go take our handy order of worship to church, and see if it isn’t more accurate than your bulletin!
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Babylon Bee
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