Black Man Unaware That Book He’s Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI

PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I don’t know if I’m going to like it, but I’m curious enough to read more and find out what it has to say,” the 28-year-old reportedly thought to himself, having no idea his interest in the book’s subject would eventually prompt the FBI to open a file on him, track his movements, tap his phone, attempt to blackmail him, and, after several years, secretly hire a mercenary to gun him down in the street. “Who knows, maybe it’ll even turn out to be enlightening. I’m not expecting it to change my life or anything, but I’m sure to get something positive out of it.” At press time, Todd was said to remain unaware that one day he would lie bleeding out in a public square, clutching at the bullet wound in his chest and wishing he had just left The Very Hungry Caterpillar on the shelf.

The Onion