New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality

ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there are over 14 million children in the United States suffering from obesity, and their primary care physicians should encourage them to start developing a larger-than-life personality as soon as possible,” said AAP board member Moira A. Szilagyi, who noted that obese children as young as 12 should set their sights immediately on winning superlatives such as “class clown” or “most school spirit.” “Even small changes, like being 10% brassier in your day-to-day interactions, can make a world of difference. Health care providers should help these children brainstorm a list of potential catchphrases and adopt irreverent nicknames like ‘Dump Truck.’ Plus, working on your physical comedy skills, like slapping your belly, is a fun activity the whole family can enjoy.” At press time, the academy was facing backlash from critics who argued the best approach was for these children to become wallflowers.

The Onion