Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion

POCATELLO, ID—Promising that some things about their family would never change, local parents Laney and Graham Porter told their children Monday that their divorce wouldn’t prevent them from drunkenly hooking up on occasion. “Kids, I know you’re sad that I won’t be living here anymore, but that doesn’t mean I won’t sometimes stop by at three in the morning and kill a couple bottles of wine with your mom, going upstairs with her for sad, desperate sex in the bed we used to share,” said Graham Porter, who explained that the former couple’s ongoing dysfunctional attachment to each other would always come first, ensuring that every now and then they would still get together for brief, intoxicated, and ultimately unsatisfying sexual encounters. “Your mom and I love you very much, and both of us will continue to be there for special occasions like your birthdays and graduations, where we’ll deal with the stress of seeing each other in a social setting by having far too much to drink, getting into a blowout fight, and then disappearing into the nearest bathroom or closet for some of the most emotionally fucked-up sex you could ever imagine. That’s a promise.” The parents went on to say that while they would eventually start dating other people, their inability to form healthy relationships would always lead them to sabotage things once they got serious, probably by cheating on their new partners with each other.

The Onion