Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers

WASHINGTON—Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson continued his crusade against the nation’s ongoing political and cultural crises Tuesday night when he reportedly slammed the woke replacement of manly news anchors with shrieking identity-obsessed losers. “What has happened to this country? When we turn on our televisions, instead of the serious men with baritone voices who used to tell Americans the real news, all we see now are these identity-obsessed freaks always screeching about the latest cultural fight,” Carlson said during a lengthy tirade against a decades-long decline driven by unknown and likely malevolent forces that supplanted sober newscasters like Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow with bitter, effete men who eschew actual reporting in favor of whining about bizarre social grievances. “The wokes are at it again, folks. There is a war on masculinity and the truth in America, and it’s being led by these weak, shrill pundits who shy away from actually confronting real events that shape our world because they’d rather gripe and moan about some corporate mascot that doesn’t cater to their specific identity or some social media user who didn’t use their preferred language. These are fragile, fragile personalities, basically freaks, and a far cry from the virile, red-blooded American newscasters of our better years. Nothing will ever satisfy these people, because they’re not remotely interested in being satisfied—they need to have everything exactly their way, and if it’s not, they’ll spend an entire hour of primetime television complaining about it.” Carlson then reportedly urged viewers to resist the woke corporations and multinational news conglomerates foisting these shrieking identity-obsessed losers on them, and to resort to violence if necessary.

The Onion