JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire Children’s Division has been replaced with a large van that we fling kids out of,” said spokeswoman Anna Garr, who noted that officials had used the remainder of their dwindling budget to buy a 2009 GMC Savana off Craigslist and cover the salaries of two employees, one to drive and one to toss the children. “From now on, when the Department of Social Services receives a tip that a child may be experiencing neglect, our caseworkers will arrive in the night to transport the child to the nearest glass-strewn gritty alley. We’ve heard some concern that we’re not doing our due diligence when it comes to vetting these alleys before flinging the children into them, but you have to understand that our resources are stretched thin. We always choose one with a decent dumpster.” At press time, Garr added that the overhauled system’s abuse rates were already way down.
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