Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks

VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start feeling lonely after happy hour and one thing leads to another,” said Francis, whose remarks about any sexual acts that might theoretically occur in a pickup truck outside Ruby Tuesday were hailed by LGBTQ groups as “confusing but encouraging.” “It’s not a crime if you’re both a bit tipsy and your friend unzips his pants. Male or female, God views all hands equally. What happens, happens, as long as you never speak about the moment ever again. It’s still a sin, of course. Just say a Hail Mary afterward and you’re good to go.” At press time, Francis added that Catholics could choose not to oblige a buddy, but they should understand that doing so would seriously leave their friend in the lurch.

The Onion