REGINA – According to sexually frustrated sources, Charlie Walker is facing criticism for trying to set a romantic mood with an excess of banjo music.
“Look, I get it, the right twanging chord can definitely get me over the edge,” said Walker’s girlfriend. “But it can’t be all ‘Yankee Doodle’ and ‘Foggy Mountain Breakdown’ all the time. It’s just hard for me to achieve orgasm when it sounds like backwater police are trying to chase me down and bust me for moonshining.”
Walker, who calls the banjo a “noble and misunderstood” instrument, has defended his erotic playlists. “Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good old fashioned hootenanny, and what is sex but a private hootenanny for two?” he said, while chewing on a long blade of grass. “If you can’t make love to ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ or ‘Cow Patrol’ then you’re already dead.”
Walker’s romantic partners have disputed this argument. “I’m not saying it’s the reason we broke up, but when I asked him to mix up the soundtrack a little he added bluegrass covers of Marvin Gaye,” said an anonymous ex-girlfriend. “I snuck in some Beyoncé, but he just said she’s coasting on her voice because she’s afraid to master the nuances of ‘resonance control.’”
“Obviously, getting eaten out to the sounds of The Flying Burrito Brothers is an incredibly erotic experience,” said another ex. “But then the next thing you know a year’s gone by, he’s half-assedly going down on you to some Mumford & Sons crap, and you wonder what happened to the couple you used to be.”
“I’m getting awfully tired of seeing Charlie put on a 10-gallon hat and say ‘it’s time to tune some strings’ whenever he’s expecting to have sex,” Walker’s roommate added.
At press time, Walker was listening to a banjo solo and awkwardly adjusting his overalls.
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