Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street

SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see these dolphins neglected by the government that turned them into ruthless killing machines,” said marine mammal rights advocate Paula Redford, explaining that few benefits were available to such dolphins, though many lost fins or even noses protecting U.S. submarines from undersea mines. “Tinker here was drafted into the Navy and did two tours of duty in Cam Ranh Bay, where his sole mission was to identify and neutralize enemy swimmers trying to attack a vital ammunition pier. When he came back, he wasn’t the same, and he was soon dismissed from his job at SeaWorld for maiming a family of tourists. But Tinker was just doing what his government had taught him to do. Today, he continues to suffer flashbacks from the experimental hallucinogens he was administered in the MK-Ultra program, and as you can see from the pipe sticking out of his blowhole, he is addicted to crack.” Redford added that until someone helps them get off the street and into a habitable cove or aquarium, dolphins like Tinker would continue to sit wrapped in dirty blankets, clinking their tin cans and asking passersby for spare krill.

The Onion