U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen

WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the highest officials in the American government pledge to keep acting like we don’t want our highly militarized police force to kill innocent civilians every day,” said President Joe Biden at a White House press conference, adding that he and his fellow elected officials would pretend to gasp, pray, and put on a big emotional show every time law enforcement carried out the exact murders against its own citizens they had both tacitly and publicly approved. “Although we’ll wipe away our tears and promise you that we’ll do everything in our power to make sure that senseless acts of violence like this never happen again, we do want to emphasize that this is the exact outcome we want. We’ll tout things like ‘reform,’ do our little investigations, and put a few police officers in jail, but come on. You’ll know we’re lying.” At press time, President Biden told reporters to get some extra photos of him looking sad, as they’ll need them in the upcoming months when the investigation into Memphis Police Department yields no changes whatsoever.

The Onion