Jesus' Coming Back

Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice

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PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able to experience the warmth of human touch for a few minutes during it really gives me the strength to keep going,” said Bosa, adding that even when play was whistled dead, he didn’t want the embrace to end. “It really brightens my day, and I’m man enough to admit it. Sure, we’re on different teams, and our goals are diametrically opposite each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the intimate moment when our arms are locked together. It’s only human, after all. I wonder, though, if next time you could hold me a little tighter, and maybe whisper into my ear that everything is going to be okay?” At press time, Bosa had dived into a scrum of players trying to recover a fumble in an effort to cuddle.

The Onion

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