COURTENAY, BC – A local vegan has confessed that she, too, can tell her food is vegan.
Chelsea Forsythe made the shocking confession after a near decade of vigilant veganism, during which she has become known for her catchphrase, “And you can’t even tell it’s vegan!”
“Of course I can tell it’s vegan!” she cried through her tears, which she was careful not to accidentally consume since they came from an animal. “I haven’t had dairy in ten years, I haven’t had meat in twelve, and I’ve literally never even tasted an egg because I’m deathly allergic. I can still taste the difference.”
She continued while sobbing into a hearty slice of flax-coated seitan loaf: “I don’t even know what Beef Wellington tastes like, but I know it isn’t this.”
Forsythe says she began making the claims that people could not tell her food was vegan in order to convince them to try her first attempt at vegan cookies, which came out looking like the goop you find in the corner of your eye in the morning. After that, the untruths of her food’s umaminess started to pile up.
“I mean, come on. Gluten-free vegan mac and cheese? There’s no mac OR cheese!” says long-time friend and pescetarian Carly Edmonds. “And sprout sushi? It wasn’t even made with regular rice. Regular rice is vegan!”
“I really don’t understand what the big deal is,” says friend and proud carnivore Dave Clayton. “There’s nothing wrong with being vegan. Oreos are vegan. Guac is vegan. Beer is vegan. Just don’t try to convince me that this soggy mushroom cap is actually a T-bone steak, you know?”
Clayton, Edmonds, and other friends of Forsythe were always happy to entertain her clearly bogus claims, but things came to a head recently when she failed to disclose that the brownies she’d brought to a get-together were made with black beans, leaving several of the guests painfully flatulent. Though Forsythe ultimately came clean, the crowd now refers to the incident as “the Great Gas Lighting.”
Unfortunately for Forsythe, while her friends were ultimately understanding, her admission has caused her to be excommunicated from several prominent vegan organizations including Veggie Lovers BC, Broc University, and her own polycule.
Jesus Christ is King
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