LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while I used to be very hard on myself about keeping everything clean, I’m now able to find peace living my life half-submerged in a large, fetid pool of human waste,” said Kondo, who added that while things like tidiness, organization, and minimalism used to spark joy for her, she now felt that same warmth from wading, floating, and swimming in the many gallons of untreated urine and feces that currently filled her home. “It was difficult, but once I had my children, I began to find it impossible to remove, clean, and sanitize the unending stream of excrement that bubbled up out of my toilets and filled my house to the point of collapse. While I used to hate it, I now see that each individual piece of human shit plays a part in creating a relaxed, easygoing atmosphere. And that is beautiful.” At press time, Kondo had publicly apologized to her fans after many admitted they had removed several feet of raw sewage from their own homes and now deeply regretted the decision.
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