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World’s Oldest American Dies At 72

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OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television in black-and-white, or turn on the radio and hear bands like Creedence Clearwater Revival and the Doors,” grandson Devin Rolnicki, 21, said of the deceased, whose life remarkably spanned both the Vietnam War and the terrorist attacks of 9/11. “These are things the rest of us only know from books, so our country has lost its last living witness to an era—a guy who remembered the first man walking on the moon and even where he was when he heard President Kennedy had been shot. Grandpa Gus lived a rich, full life, but his loss is still very hard for our family, especially because we know he was really looking forward to retiring next year.” Upon Gus Rolnicki’s death, reports confirmed the baton of world’s oldest American had been passed to 55-year-old Arkansas resident Pauletta Bickford.

The Onion

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