FISHERS, IN—With his effort failing to result in the instant death he’d expected, local cop Bryce McDermott expressed confusion Wednesday after he poured fentanyl on his wife and nothing happened. “I don’t understand—all the guys at work told me that any skin contact with this stuff will immediately kill you,” said the eight-year law enforcement veteran, who had left his house after yet another fight with his wife, seized some fentanyl powder from a police department evidence locker, and returned to throw it on her—only to find that it had no effect besides making her extremely angry and scared. “What the fuck? They told me this was, like, 100 times stronger than the lethal amount. And this fucking bitch has some on her arms and even her face, and it doesn’t do anything? Goddammit, I had it all planned out. It was going to be the perfect crime, and now what? This is supposed to be the most dangerous substance on earth, for fuck’s sake. Now what the hell am I going to do with this stupid broad? Someone must have slipped her the antidote!” At press time, sources confirmed the fentanyl had immediately killed the police officer after he merely touched it.
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