‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush

BALTIMORE—Boasting that he had finally kicked caffeine and found a new way of perking up in the morning, local man Paul Randolph was overheard Wednesday saying “I finally made the switch from coffee” as he held a loaded gun to his head to get an adrenaline rush. “It still gives you a good rush without making you feel too buzzy,” Randolph said as he pressed the muzzle of a Glock to his temple and released the trigger safety, allowing the sound of the metal click to give him an extra jolt of energy. “There’s no afternoon crash, either. I used to drink three, sometimes four, cups of coffee to get through my workday, but now I get the same effect with just one cocked and loaded sidearm digging into my scalp. Sure, I miss the enticing aroma of a good fresh cup of coffee, but these things have their own complex, distinctive smell as soon as they go off.” Randolph added that the only side effect of his new method of attaining an adrenaline rush seemed to be heavy, continuous sobbing.

The Onion