Tom Brady Announces He Is Permanently Retired And Also Open To Playing For Other Teams

TAMPA, FL — A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other teams.

“I’m officially retired, for good this time,” Brady said in a video statement released on social media. “My playing career in the NFL is absolutely over. Completely. Unless other teams are interested in me playing for them. Then I’d be willing to listen. But except for that, I’m so totally retired.”

Brady finishes his 23-year playing career as arguably the greatest quarterback in the history of the league, having racked up numerous career, regular season, and postseason records, seven Super Bowl championships, 15 Pro Bowls, three NFL MVP awards, and one marriage and subsequent divorce with a supermodel. After briefly retiring for six weeks following the 2021 NFL season, Brady’s latest retirement brings him one step closer to breaking Brett Favre’s record for retirements from football.

“Tom has set the bar high for every player in so many ways,” said full-time NFL quarterback and part-time Muppet Patrick Mahomes. “His statistics, his accolades, the number of records he holds, and the sheer number of people who absolutely hate him for his success and the way he looks is truly astounding. He’s what we all want to be.”

At publishing time, Brady was reportedly in talks with the Del Boca Vista Dragonslayers of the National Shuffleboard League, with a special contingency that he be released from his contract as soon as he returns to the NFL and signs with the Las Vegas Raiders.

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Babylon Bee