NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy, white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s revelations of bigoted and xenophobic behavior suggest whites cannot possibly remain superior to all other humans, and so we have asked them to step down from their position at the top of the racial hierarchy,” said U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, acknowledging that whites exhibited conduct that was wholly unbecoming of the master race and that his own European forebears had engaged in widespread colonialism, slavery, and oppression over many hundreds of years. “A genetically pure race at the forefront of all civilization has to be a group of people we can take seriously, and with their petty, ignorant hatreds, white people hardly fit the bill. Perhaps they may be reinstated as the dominant race at some point in the future, but for now they need to think long and hard about how they can wield their white power in a positive way.” At press time, the United Nations announced that Polynesians had been named interim master race until a permanent replacement could be found.
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