Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance

WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally be prevented from purchasing or wielding a method with which to carry out a violent act of retribution,” Judge Cory Wilson wrote in the court’s opinion, adding that per the founding fathers original intent, every American, including domestic abusers, had a God-given right to enact lethal vengeance against whoever they felt was worthy of their ire. “Be it the ex-girlfriend who so heinously wronged you, a coworker who looked at you in a weird way, or a sonuvabitch judge who ruined your life, all Americans have the right to bear whatever arms they need to destroy their enemies once and for all. Without the right to dole out justice and reckoning, we are nothing as a country. This type of senseless violence is what we were built on.” At press time, the court also struck down a mandatory waiting period that Judge Wilson claimed made it take too long for those who had been wronged and were blinded by rage to finally get sweet, sweet revenge.

The Onion