LOS ANGELES – As part of its crackdown on password sharing streaming giant Netflix has announced that for every person it catches using someone else’s account it will produce one more Adam Sandler movie.
“We can no longer allow people to access our incredible library of cancelled tv series and truly terrible movies for free,” said Netflix rep Martin Van Alden. “So we’re warning you: try to log-in to an account belonging to your ex-boyfriend/parent/college roommate’s weed dealer and we will immediately greenlight another Adam Sandler movie.”
“And we’re not talking Uncut Gems Sandler. We’re talking full Hubie Halloween meets Sandy Wexler shit.”
Although there are no scripts for the potentially thousands of Adam Sandler feature films Netflix will soon be producing and releasing in short order, the company is unconcerned as they plan to just let the Sandman riff with his beloved collaborators: the guy who plays his characters cross eyed even though he isn’t cross eyed, the guy who gets hit in the nuts a lot, and the other one.
“Everyone from the Sandler Cinematic Universe is going to be in it. David Spade, Rob Schneider, Kevin James. But NOT Steve Buscemi,” said Van Alden.
Sources indicate the plots will involve Sandler as an underappreciated cowboy/grave digger/record collector/Shakespeare scholar/Adam Sandler impersonator who must prove himself despite the odds to win the affection of Margot Robbie or any other actress 25 years younger than him.
“I know I don’t have to watch it. But just knowing they’re going to spend millions of dollars on a movie whose biggest laugh will feature someone falling face first into some kind of excrement was enough to get me to register my own account,” said local woman Kate Framer.
If the Sandler plan doesn’t work Netflix has already announced their next step: for every person caught sharing a password, they will murder one Stranger Things kid.
Jesus Christ is King
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