Babylon Mom: How I Created a Peaceful Family Environment By Just Giving All My Kids iPads

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. It’s just been crazy around here!

If your kids are anything like mine, having a peaceful evening around the table is like trying to enjoy a marching band filled with rabid hyenas. Hear me when I tell you this: it’s not your fault. Children are simply unstable. They are not okay! Just today, my 4-year-old threw the most epic tantrum because the banana she asked for came already peeled. These people are unhinged. It is not your imagination that your toddler needs to spend some hard time in juvie.

Blessedly, there is one incredible, 100% effective trick to effortlessly creating a peaceful home. Just give every child his or her own iPad! Ladies, I have witnessed literal miracles once I finally took the plunge and gifted all my progeny their own personal tablet. I only regret I didn’t give my children their own iPads sooner!

Now, my husband and I can share an actual conversation and a bottle of merlot over dinner while our children are reduced to zombie-like statues who don’t even blink. It is seriously so tranquil. I can say my toddler’s name 20 times in a row, and he won’t hear me. Finally, I can be left alone! And we deserve that!

The best part is that iPads work in any scenario. Need to get some housework done? iPad. Need to keep everyone contained at a restaurant? iPad. It’s best for them to have iPad access in their bedrooms, in the car, at the kitchen table…basically anywhere they might try to interact with you. Put one in your baby’s crib. Don’t wait. You will be so glad you did. There is nothing more rewarding than co-parenting with Apple. If I could make Steve Jobs the godfather of all my children, I would. That alluring, bald, bespectacled man. Mmmmm. Sorry, tangent.

Ladies, no parenting book will prevent little Julie from assaulting Zachary with a homemade shiv assembled of Melissa and Doug odds-and-ends over having the back row of the minivan all to herself. You know what can? Screens! I truly believe you can achieve the same peaceful family environment that I’ve experienced if you will fully commit to a home full of iPads, chargers, and perhaps some AirPods so you don’t have to actually hear what your children are listening to.

Going forward, you won’t have to waste any more money on toys, sports, or piano lessons because your kids will lose all interest in anything that doesn’t give them unearned, systematic hits of dopamine time and time again. It’s a delightful win for everyone. So, carry on friends! May we be the parents who bring up the most tolerable, silent generation the world has ever seen!

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Babylon Bee