Police Chief Vows Officer Accused Of Misconduct Will Receive Harshest Possible Nickname

MINNEAPOLIS—Assuring the public his department would never allow severe misconduct to go unpunished, the chief of police in Minneapolis vowed Monday that officer Bill Branum, who recently shot and killed an unarmed civilian during a traffic stop, would receive the harshest possible nickname. “We wholeheartedly condemn the actions of this officer, and we will make that clear to him going forward by always referring to him as ‘Mr. Jumpy’ while pretending to quickly reach for our guns,” said Chief Dennis McDonald, explaining that everyone in the precinct house or locker room would then laugh and make shooting noises with finger guns as a way to playfully “bust the balls” of the officer who, with no justifiable cause, drew his service weapon and fired 15 rounds into a 27-year-old father of three. “This running joke will continue in a light and jovial tone throughout the officer’s career, remaining in effect until he retires with a full pension in a few years. It reflects a policy that has already been implemented for numerous other members of the force, including Ol’ Chokey, Sgt. Head Cracker, and the Wife Beater Brothers. Rest assured, Officer Branum will never live this down. Isn’t that right, Mr. Jumpy?” McDonald went on to acknowledge that he had once been administered a nickname himself, and that’s why everyone in the department knew him as Chief Racist Murderer Guy.

The Onion