‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Exclaiming with hypothetical delight upon receiving the correspondence from the vice president’s husband, local imaginary person Caitlin Hofstadter reportedly reacted to a Democratic National Committee fundraising message Monday by crying out, “Wowie zowie, an email from second gentleman Doug Emhoff!” “Kamala Harris’ spouse wanted to email little old me?” said the nonexistent individual, remarking that the least she could do to thank the second gentleman for getting in touch was chip in $50 or even $100 of her entirely fictional savings. “Act before midnight to double my donation? I better hurry! This is the father of Ella and Cole we’re talking about, after all! [Nothing I’m saying is real. I don’t exist. None of this matters.] What a treat!” At press time, the made-up woman had responded to a follow-up email from Michael Bloomberg with such excitement that she burst into a cloud of smoke and vanished from the realm of fantasy forever.

The Onion