LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience–based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets will depend entirely on how close customers sit to a middle-aged man who is clearly jerking off in one of our many theaters,” said CEO Adam Aron, adding that the man’s location would be clearly marked on the seating chart with the words “public masturbator,” and customers would pay more or less depending on where they sat in relation to him. “In our most expensive ‘Preferred Sightline’ tier, customers will be able to sit so far away from the man that they can neither see nor hear him masturbating. In our ‘Standard Tier,’ they’ll be able to see the shadowy outline of the man’s hunched-over body and will likely be able to hear some heavy breathing and grunting. And in our least expensive ‘Value Sightline Tier,’ customers will sit directly next to the man as he puts the absolute bare minimum effort into hiding what he’s doing. At this tier, we strongly advise customers to refrain from making eye contact or looking inside the masturbating man’s popcorn carton.” At press time, Aron revealed that as an added incentive for signing up for AMC’s monthly membership program, customers would soon be able to pay to be the masturbating man.
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