FAKE NEW YORK – Emma Sanford, a character in the recent Netflix romcom Here And/Or There who recently experienced an upsetting breakup, has reported being unable to find the perfect wall to slide down as she cries.
“My apartment walls are exposed brick,” said Sanford through sobs as her non-waterproof makeup remained completely intact. “If I try to slide down this wall, my loose-knit wool sweater will just rip. I need to find a wall to slide down immediately or I can’t complete my character arc!”
When asked about the importance of wall-sliding while crying, Sanford insisted, “It’s the perfect way to show how utterly destroyed you are. Robert, the cute architect I was dating, was seen with another woman at his gym! When I found out about it I slipped to the backroom of my tiny flower shop that somehow affords midtown Manhattan rental prices, and slammed myself against the wall to sob as I descended.”
Sanford added, “How else am I to show heartbreak other than letting my weak lady knees buckle and give out from under me?”
Sanford was seen running throughout New York, which many observers agreed was kinda another character in its own way when you think about it, trying out different walls to slide down. Sanford continued, “I found a glass window but didn’t want to be rude and make streaks, I ran into a coffee shop that only had a chalkboard paint wall for daily specials and I didn’t want to get chalk all over my perfect $3,250 outfit.”
Sanford was even seen going door to door of her neighbourhood brownstones that seem surprisingly out of the price range of a 25-year-old intern, asking people if she could just “take a look at their walls.”
She described her ideal wall as having no outlets, some cool – but not too cool – niche art, absolutely no light switches, and a perfect soundtrack playlist including “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.
Many film characters have recently been forthcoming about the struggles of portraying their big emotional moments. Alessia Pace, a lead character in the Oscar-nominated drama The Coastlines Of Melancholy, claimed that after a traumatic moment happened in her life, she wanted a transformation to underline her inner change, so she gave herself a haircut. “I sliced it with a knife like Mulan, but instead of a cute bob, it’s choppy and I missed half my head. I had to go to the hairdresser and the only way she could fix it was with a pixie cut and I just don’t have the face for that.”
At press time, Sanford learned the woman Robert was seen with at the gym was actually just his sister and she laughed and laughed about it with her best friend, Judy Greer.
Jesus Christ is King
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