‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into Speech

WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was sure everyone got the general idea. “Yeah, so, I just want to quickly mention the usual stuff about job creation, the state of union being strong, and all that,” said Biden, who after a brief nod of acknowledgment made no eye contact with his audience or the television cameras, instead scrolling listlessly through his phone as he delivered his message to the American people. “You get the picture, more or less, so I’m not going to keep anybody any later than necessary just so I can go on and on about putting aside our differences, finding common ground, and working together. God knows I’ve sat through enough of these in my life, and I assume you have as well. Good night.” The speech was immediately followed by a 30-second GOP rebuttal during which Arkansas Gov. and former Trump press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders appeared to nod off mid-falsehood.

The Onion