George Santos Panicking After Prospective Aide He Thought He Made Up Accuses Him Of Sexual Misconduct

WASHINGTON—Racking his memory for the possible existence of any such person, New York Rep. George Santos (R) was reportedly panicking Tuesday after a prospective aide he thought that he made up accused him of sexual misconduct. “But I totally lied about having to interview this fake person to get out of doing other stuff. They can’t be real,” said a visibly frightened Santos, adding that he had no idea how complaints could be filed with the House of Ethics committee when the person who submitted them was a complete figment of his imagination. “Am I going mad? They don’t exist—yes, I’ve acted inappropriately in the past, but I’ve never been called out to face consequences by a fictional stranger. Dear God, who knows how many more nonexistent people are out there that I conjured who also have an ax to grind.” At press time, Santos was trying to contact his lawyer that he made up for guidance.

The Onion