Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo

LOS ANGELES—In an incident widely criticized as racial profiling, sources reported Thursday that L.A. police officers had stopped a local Black man who they claimed fit the description of a giant, fire-breathing reptile that was currently terrorizing Tokyo. “Right after we heard reports of a 400-foot kaiju knocking down Tokyo skyscrapers, we saw you cruising down Wilshire Boulevard, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s the guy,’” officer Jake Landon said as he frisked the 5-foot-10, 180-pound African American he had detained 5,400 miles away from the ongoing mayhem in the Japanese capital, asking what had made him rise from Tokyo Bay, swat away incoming fighter jets, and proceed to leave a wake of desolation through the city. “You’ve obviously drained a few nuclear reactors this morning. Exactly how much uranium would you say you’ve had? Never mind—you clearly match the sketch we received of a massive, violent, radioactive sea monster, so you’re gonna have to come back to the station with us and answer some questions.” At press time, the Black man had reportedly opened his mouth to reply to a question and been shot dead by the police, who claimed his fire-breath constituted a threat to their safety.

The Onion