CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, starting at only 2.9% APR,” read the report, which noted that the Kia Sorento Hybrid EX, available in the colors everlasting silver, ebony black, and sapphire blue, among others, would fracture your skull and leave your internal organs strewn all over the street in just a little over 430 hours’ time. “Look both ways before you cross the street, or don’t. Stay inside if you want, but it doesn’t matter. Have no doubt, this versatile, modern hybrid will mow you down at an estimated 34 miles per gallon. Lucky you, the last thing you’ll ever see is the glare of the LED fog lights right before your eyeballs detach from your head. With the Kia Sorento’s powerful turbocharged engine, you’re guaranteed to have a closed-casket funeral.” At press time, the report urged you to visit your local Kia dealership today to learn more about the mid-size SUV that would kill you.
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