Jesus' Coming Back

Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement

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After 23 years in the NFL, including a brief 40-day retirement followed by a final season with the Buccaneers, Tom Brady has finally decided to retire again. The Onion asked his fans to describe how they felt, and this is what they said.

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Ron Curtis, Accountant

Ron Curtis, Accountant

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“I can’t wait to see what CTE leads him to do next.”

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Derek Smith, Lawyer

Derek Smith, Lawyer

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“Whatever I said when he did this the first time is how I still feel now, I guess.”

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Tom Brady, Retired

Tom Brady, Retired

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“Now I’ll have plenty of time to…wait…oh God…the deafening silence…”

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Drew Bledsoe, Hermit

Drew Bledsoe, Hermit

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“Tom? Tom Brady? I haven’t heard that name in years.”

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Rhonda Campbell, Pet Sitter

Rhonda Campbell, Pet Sitter

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“He should take up a hobby to keep his mind active and engaged in retirement.”

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Oliver Ward, Mechanic

Oliver Ward, Mechanic

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“Who am I supposed to blame for all my problems now?”

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Meghna Chatterjee, Architect

Meghna Chatterjee, Architect

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“I’m just bracing myself for him being more comfortable openly talking about his political beliefs.”

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Kari Carr, Welder

Kari Carr, Welder

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“He led the NFL in QB retirements, and that speaks for itself.”

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Allen Costa, Financial Advisor

Allen Costa, Financial Advisor

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“Hopefully he’s fully vested in his 401(k).”

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Rob Gronkowski, Former NFL Player

Rob Gronkowski, Former NFL Player

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“I’m not getting him another card.”

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Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner

Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner

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“I outlasted you, bitch.”

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Peyton Manning, Broadcaster

Peyton Manning, Broadcaster

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“Never heard of him.”

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Gisele Bündchen, Model

Gisele Bündchen, Model

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“As he should. The court decided that I got football in the divorce.”

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Enrique Cruz, Pharmacist

Enrique Cruz, Pharmacist

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“He’ll be back when he realizes his family has no shot of even getting a wildcard spot.”

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Patrick McClellan, Welder

Patrick McClellan, Welder

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“I’m going to kill myself.”

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Fran Talinski, Bank Teller

Fran Talinski, Bank Teller

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“I bet he can’t wait to eat a strawberry.”

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Dave McCarthy, DMV Assistant Manager

Dave McCarthy, DMV Assistant Manager

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“It’s wonderful that he’ll have more time to devote to his wife and children. What’s that? Ah. His children, then.”

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Pam Brule, Waffle House

Pam Brule, Waffle House

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“We’re always hiring.”

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You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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The Onion

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