GARY, IN—Impressing onlookers with the display of faithfulness for his former master, a loyal dog named Milo reportedly drew attention Wednesday for spending hours each day humping his owners grave. “You can really tell how much this little guy loved his owner that he darts right toward his owner’s tombstone early in the morning and won’t leave until sundown when he’s rubbed himself raw,” said local man Dennis Carlton who expressed astonishment that the five-year-old Maltipoo would grind his inflamed genitals against the grave marker every day, rain or shine, refusing to be pried off the memorial to his cherished owner even when the graveyard was closing for the night. “He’s a brave pup, too. If any mourners tries to interrupt one of his grind-sessions to put flowers on the grave, he barks and howls until they run off. And then he’s right back to humping himself senseless. What a good boy!” At press time, Carlton remarked that the sad part of it all was that Runt didn’t understand that his owner would never again be alive to reach over and finish him off to completion.
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