WASHINGTON—Still groggy and sore from the late night, Mitt Romney was reportedly exhausted Wednesday after scolding all 535 liars in Congress. “Oh boy, it took until 3 a.m., but I finally got it done,” said the disheveled, red-eyed senator, who recalled confronting legislator after legislator on the House floor following the State of the Union address, repeating “You’re a sick puppy” and “You should feel ashamed to be here” until his voice went hoarse. “I got Blumenthal, I got Scalise, I got Rubio, and AOC, and Gaetz. I started losing steam there after the two-and-a-half-hour mark, but I got a second wind right after I looked Kirsten Gillibrand in the eye and said, ‘You should be ashamed to be here.’ Finally, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and wagged one finger at myself.” At press time, Romney was seen stumbling around D.C. scolding national landmarks.
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