TORONTO – In the wake of Toronto Mayor John Tory’s shocking announcement that he will be stepping down after admitting he had an affair with a staffer earlier this year, residents across the city are saddened, but unsurprised, that Tory’s political downfall was precipitated by the mayor’s singularly powerful erotic appeal.
“Look, the failure to act on homelessness, the Rogers salary thing, the general inability to connect with his constituents were all things he had to overcome,” Torontonian Howard Crem told reporters. “But I mean, just look at the guy — you don’t have to be a genius to see that the biggest problem he’d have is zillions of people wanting to jump his bones all the time.”
“And it’s not about his age — lots of old people are hot and have great sex lives,” Toronto resident Teresa Plin stated. “It’s something uniquely titillating about him. Those tiny, sunken eyes that look like they’re photoshopped on his head. That motionless grey-brown hair, exactly the colour of mid-range laminate flooring… And the way he moves, the way he talks… like he’s always about to ask if you if he has coffee breath. It’s so sensual it almost doesn’t make sense — but somehow he looks like the back of your grandma’s car smells?”
“Yeah, that sweet piece never had a chance in politics,” Ms. Plin stated, fanning himself slightly.
Political consultants highlighted Tory’s sex appeal as a liability from the beginning of his career, and tried to find ways to tamp it down.
“We did what we could. We made him throw away all those fuck-me oxford shirts and convinced him to quit teasing ‘em with those sexy little Half Windsor knots,” publicist and consultant Mike Wildo told reporters. “But there’s only so much you can do — like telling a young Mick Jagger to put a shirt on. Who are we kidding — John Tory is still a once-in-a-generation erotic nuclear-powered sex bomb that will haunt all of our pornographic imaginations forever… if we’re lucky.”
Jesus Christ is King
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