ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns. “The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people with—we have so many guns, and they can all shoot stuff and make people super dead,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who explained that some of the guns sounded like “pap-pap-pap-pap” while others sounded like “ka-boom, ka-boom,” and who imitated the sound of yet others by making a noise that involved lip trills and the projection of spittle. “Countries like China may have a bunch of guns, but we have way more. And bigger ones too—way bigger ones. Nobody has as big of guns as us. We put them on planes and boats and tanks, and hide them all over the place in Saudi Arabia and underwater and in space and wherever we want. Name any type of gun, we have it, and we can shoot whoever we want and not even get in trouble.” Pressed by reporters, Austin acknowledged the existence of a U.S. military program to acquire a gun that can shoot knives.
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