Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII

Check back in two weeks: Our pet gerbil who correctly predicts the outcome of the Super Bowl 93% of the time by giving birth to either more female or male pups just got pregnant, so look for our Super Bowl prediction on Feb. 18.

The Chiefs: Made it to the Super Bowl thanks to their explosive run game, stingy defense, and Roger Goodell sending an NFL-wide memo dictating that the league needs a new dynasty team to replace the Patriots.

Philadelphia Eagles: Began the season 8-0 before finishing 14-3 to give Philadelphia’s insufferable sportswriters the grounds to make annoying claims that the Eagles are underdogs whom no one believes in.

Andy Reid has been attempting to motivate the Chiefs with bulletin board material, but he’s mostly been pinning up photos of hoagies, roast pork sandwiches, and Philly cheesesteaks.

Nick Sirianni has won the support of an Eagles fan base normally reluctant to embrace an oafish loudmouth with gross facial hair.

Players will get the VIP treatment in State Farm Stadium’s locker rooms, which feature a state-of-the-art weight room, multiple flat-screen TVs, and Arizona’s remaining supply of potable water.

The officials have vowed to be evenhanded and consistent when handing the game to Kansas City.

Rihanna will headline the show after previously turning down the NFL in protest of the league’s contributions to systemic injustice. Fortunately, systemic injustice has been fixed in the four years since she did that, so she can go ahead and accept the NFL’s money now.

Fox’s lead football analyst Greg Olsen likes to inform and educate viewers by pointing out “the field,” “the players,” and “the coaches.”

Kansas City’s fans will rally behind the Chiefs while performing their controversial “loud, racist idiot” pantomime.

Honestly, they’re just not as good as New York’s.

Patrick Mahomes: The veteran quarterback is much more experienced at working through his progressions to throw it every time to Travis Kelce. EDGE: Chiefs.

Miles Sanders: With 259 carries for 1,269 yards in the regular season, Eagles RB Miles Sanders seems like kind of a ball hog. EDGE: Chiefs.

Chiefs wideouts JuJu Smith-Schuster and Marquez Valdes-Scantling rank among the league leaders in names. EDGE: Chiefs.

Travis Kelce is one of the best tight ends in the league, and an inspiration to semiliterate lunkheads everywhere. EDGE: Chiefs.

Jason Kelce: The Eagles center has worked tirelessly to perfect his standing-in-the-way-of-defensive-players mechanics. EDGE: Eagles.

Chiefs DT Chris Jones is one of the most talented defensive players in the NFL, and if you’re the rest of the Chiefs defensive line, all you can do is stand back and watch. EDGE: Eagles.

With a defense led by outside linebacker Haason Reddick, expect Philly to put pressure on Mahomes the instant he leaves his hotel room. EDGE: Eagles.

Justin Reid: The Chiefs safety displays great thoughtfulness and empathy while breaking up passes. EDGE: Chiefs.

L’Jarius Sneed: The Chiefs were one of the first teams in the NFL to risk a fourth-round draft pick on a relatively unknown cornerback from Hogwarts. EDGE: Eagles.

Jake Elliott: Huge fucking toes. EDGE: Eagles.

You’re reading the special teams matchup? Jesus Christ, man, go for a walk or something. EDGE: Eagles.

All right, you fucking swine, you miserable addicts: A prop bet for Kelce catching a touchdown pass on the Chiefs’ opening drive is as a good a way to fritter away your hard-earned cash as any.

Commercials: If the PopCorner ad featuring the Breaking Bad characters uses the version where Jesse yells “Popcorn, yo!” that means the fix is in and you should put all your money on Kansas City.