Kevin Burkhardt: ‘The Men, They Begin Their Brutal Clash, And We—We Cheer Their Broken Bodies’

GLENDALE, AZ—In response to the opening kickoff at Super Bowl LVII, sports broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt announced Sunday that “The men, they begin their brutal clash, and we—we cheer their broken bodies.” “Titans of the human form here collide into one another, shattering their bones and rending their muscles asunder, all for us—we who are dazzled by the sweet chaos, a visceral devastation beloved by the masses,” said Burkhardt, noting to color commentator Greg Olsen that today’s matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles was sure to be a veritable skirmish toward oblivion, sure to leave blood splattered upon the field as players are offered up as a sacrifice to the great and terrible deity, Football. “See, Greg, some of the lambs to the slaughter shall even arrive broken, and retreat more broken still, their minds in a haze as crash after crash leaves their memories awash in a foggy, forgotten sea. Millions are exhilarated across our land as they see this interminable march toward doom. We applaud, Greg, we applaud as we see the greatest of men pounded down, eroded, and reduced to little more than the dust of the earth from which they came.” At press time, a teary-eyed Burkhardt screamed out in ecstasy as the shattered men inched closer and closer to oblivion.

The Onion