Report: 84% Of Super Bowl Ads Specifically Intended To Distract From Human Rights Violation

CHICAGO—Exposing the ulterior motives behind the vast majority of commercials airing on the night of the most-watched game in America, a report published this week by University of Chicago researchers revealed that 84% of Super Bowl ads were specifically intended to distract from a human rights violation. “We’ve found that if any particular corporation has spent a significant amount of money on some silly, entertaining commercial featuring a rapping dog or a popular sitcom star, it is more than likely attempting to divert public attention away from some damning abuse of labor or ecology,” said lead researcher Neeraj Blake, explaining that the unveiling of a new mascot increased the likelihood that a company was in the midst of exploiting child slavery in Cambodia. “We see a direct correlation between the number of supermodels in any particular ad and the number of strip-mining operations a company has overseas. If a song or dance is somehow involved, you can be almost certain that a corporation has funded covert operations to overthrow a foreign government in order to plunder a country’s natural resources. Any time you see a current or former SNL star, the company has committed genocide.” At press time, researchers confirmed that the remaining 16% of ads were intended to garner public goodwill for a future war crime.

The Onion