Roger Goodell Just Hoping For Competitive Game Where No One Dies On Field, Mentions League’s Record On Race, Brings Up CTE, Highlights Discriminatory Hiring Practices, Or Says ‘Deshaun Watson’

GLENDALE, AZ—When asked how he felt about the hotly anticipated Super Bowl LVII, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Sunday that he was just hoping for a competitive game where no one died on field, mentioned the league’s record on race, brought up CTE, highlighted discriminatory hiring practices, or said “Deshaun Watson.” “I’ll be honest, all I want today is for our fans to get a heart-pounding few hours of football where not a single person is permanently paralyzed, says the words ‘Rooney Rule,’ or mentions the league’s abysmal record on domestic violence and sexual assault,” said Goodell, adding that the Super Bowl should be a game that promotes sportsmanship, fair play, and never acknowledges the tacit support of the U.S. military industrial complex, racist mascots, or creates a situation where someone talks so much about Black quarterbacks that they end up uttering “Colin Kaepernick.” “More than anything, I hope that the game today is about the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles and their amazing players, coaches, and support staff, none of whom I will mention by name just in case it brings up some type of association with a delicate legal scandal. Super Bowl LVII will be an amazing game of competition, wit, and athleticism, so long as no one brings up race, gender, age, money, violence, children, the human body, concussions, the law, exploitation, slavery, life, or death. Also, the words ‘Tyreek Hill’ are off limits. But ‘Tom Brady’ is more than welcome.” At press time, Roger Goodell also expressed hope that the game would end with everyone happy and no one mentioning that he’s a smarmy, dishonest piece of fucking shit.

The Onion