LENEXA, KS—Growing increasingly suspicious as it dawned on him that he was under surveillance, local baby Elijah Epps was reportedly paranoid Monday after discovering his parents bugged his crib. “Wait, no, it…it can’t be… are Mama and Dada listening in on me?” said Epps, piecing together that the monitoring device must be how his parents always knew when he had woken up from a nap. “Every cry, every cough, every coo, those twisted bastards heard it all. How long have they been watching me? My entire life? Who can I even trust at this point? Is the baby sitter some sort of operative?” At press time, Epps realized the only way to solve the problem was to try and shove the entire baby monitor into his mouth.
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