California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’

SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling it a humane answer to a heart-wrenching reality afflicting thousands across the state, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a bill Monday legalizing assisted suicide for any over-30 bachelor currently rewatching the 1998 anime series Cowboy Bebop. “Today, we are offering an escape from meaningless suffering for any single thirtysomething out there who decided they had nothing better to do than revisit the entirety of this show’s 26-episode run,” said Newsom, describing the bill’s generous provisions to euthanize men who were wondering whether the anime held up; threw on the first episode, “Asteroid Blues”; and then chose to watch all 650 minutes of the full series rather than search for a suitable mate. “It breaks your heart to think of men like this—people whose lives have clearly ceased to be worth living—spending night after night alone on their couch watching Jet Black, Faye Valentine, genius dog Ein, Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, and Spike Spiegel hunt down bounties. We want them to know it doesn’t have to go on like this. All it takes is one call, and we will come to their house and put them out of their misery.” Newsom went on to emphasize that the bill allowed California to humanely deliver the fatal injection just as the closing credits song “The Real Folk Blues” fades out.

The Onion