Adam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain an edge over the crowded field to replace the outgoing lawmaker, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) reportedly sought Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign endorsement Tuesday by playing into the delusion that he’s her high school sweetheart who actually died in World War II. Multiple Capitol sources have reported seeing the California congressman in recent days sporting a wig and a World War II uniform while escorting the 89-year-old to a vintage jalopy, telling her that he’s back from the war, and taking her to the soda fountain. While all of the California Senate candidates have sought Feinstein’s endorsement, Schiff reportedly decided to capitalize on her declining mental faculties by adopting the identity of her high school sweetheart, Roger Larsen, whom she has apparently forgotten was killed in action during the 1945 Battle of Luzon. Sources confirmed that Schiff’s efforts began in the hours after Feinstein announced she would retire when her Senate term ended, and 62-year-old Schiff entered her office in the guise of her 18-year-old high school sweetheart and told her that her parents had given him permission to take their lovely daughter Dianne Goldman for a drive. This effort seems to have been effective as an increasingly delusional Feinstein has been seen around Washington wearing a poodle skirt Schiff gave her along with his pin to symbolize his commitment, gazing dreamily at Schiff and telling him that, although she thinks he’s swell, she’s a good girl and wants to wait until marriage for her first time. Sources confirmed that Schiff has privately expressed his confidence that the Roger Larsen character can convince Feinstein to support his candidacy, as he has repeatedly told Feinstein that a brave soldier named Adam Schiff is the only reason he made it out of the Pacific Theater and back into Feinstein’s sweet, young embrace. At press time, however, Schiff’s efforts to exploit Feinstein’s disoriented fantasies were dealt a significant complication after fellow Senate candidate Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) donned a string of pearls and a bouffant hairstyle to play into the delusion that she’s Feinstein’s mother, Betty Goldman, who died in 1983.

The Onion