Archaeologists Discover Early Humans Developed Shelter To Provide Passive Income Stream For Landlords

FINCHA HABERA, ETHIOPIA—Archaeologists on-site at the Fincha Habera rock shelter in the Bale Mountains of Ethiopia announced new findings Tuesday that allegedly prove early humans originally developed shelter as a means of earning passive income for landlords. “Analysis of new artifacts found near these ancient human shelters seems to reveal that the early humans who lived inside did not own the properties,” said lead researcher Professor Kenneth Brownfield, adding that further investigation led to the theory that all shelters within a 20-mile radius belonged to one out-of-work early human who didn’t much care for hunting or gathering. “These lazy but respected elders of the community appear to be the entire reason why early human cultures invented both shelter and currency, with the underlings giving away large monthly sums of their hard-earned meat and berries in exchange for a hassle-free stay in one of these rock structures. We found newly uncovered fossils of demarcated leaves that show clear terms of a primitive lease agreement, with stipulations about not painting the cave walls or placing anything besides toilet parchment inside the waste hole. The owner of the development, however, lived on the nicer side of the mountain, where the monthly offerings were delivered on a six-day journey via donkey, lest the tenants incur a late fee of 20 leech bites.” Brownfield added that many roaming peoples of the time were seemingly only nomadic due to a lack of credit.

The Onion