Bird Leaders Defend Shooting Down Aircraft That Illegally Entered Avian Airspace

NEW YORK—Following a summit in which nearly 10,000 feathered species gathered to determine their response to what they described as hostile incursions into the sky, top bird leaders released an official statement Tuesday defending their choice to shoot down an aircraft that illegally entered avian airspace. “When this airborne vessel crossed into the internationally recognized bird domain and failed to comply with our tweets and squawks, we had no choice but to neutralize the potential threat,” said Avian Republic Ambassador Terrence G. Beakfeathers, who called for a moment of silence to honor the flock of skylarks that gave their lives by flying into the engine of an Airbus A380, bringing down the plane he claimed had trespassed on the sky. “For centuries, we turned the other cheek even as millions of our brethren were felled by your misleadingly transparent windowpanes. But now, with the blatant provocation of 100,000 commercial flights per day entering our rightful territory, we have no choice but to meet these encroachments with immediate and overwhelming force. The intrusion into our airspace of planes, helicopters, missiles, and even balloons will no longer be tolerated.” At press time, strategic talks among the birds had broken down, with disputes erupting among the two traditionally opposed factions represented by hawks and doves.

The Onion