WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s about to happen!” Michael Watson, 34, said on behalf of all 330 million Americans, who were hysterically running pomade through their hair, slapping on some cologne, and laying down hundreds of thousands of bath towels in anticipation of the passionate mass discharge expected to erupt that evening, the ground already beginning to rumble beneath them as the National Guard finished handing out emergency tissues. “We had all year to prepare. Why, oh, why did we wait until moments before climax! Move speedily, brothers and sisters, for the semen is approaching whether we’re ready or not! Quick, unfurl the emission banners. You there, gather up some chocolate-covered strawberries and AAA batteries—no time for lube, off you go! Hold on for dear life, everyone, here it comes!” At press time, the nation had reportedly fallen asleep before the big moment.
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