CHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh gosh, I was just trying to get a good sear on the roast gummy bra and panties, and now everything is ruined!” said the 32-year-old, frantically waving the blue-raspberry-tinted smoke aside as he removed the blackened and charred candy lingerie from the oven with dismay. “I made it crotchless because it’s her favorite, too! Jeez, she’s going to be home any minute. None of this is salvageable. Ugh, how am I ever going to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of her sweet spot now?” At press time, Suderman had reportedly called up Cheri’s Dungeon to see if they did rush deliveries of Rainbow Candy Ball Gags that he could pass off as his own.
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