INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that the three minutes Seldon spent frantically grinding on his high school girlfriend while fully clothed those many years ago were still his most capable and generous moments as a lover. Sources also said the short dry humping session, which was impeded by two pairs of Levi’s jeans for the entire time he was rubbing against his girlfriend, continued to be his most sensual and inspired performance in bed. Seldon has reportedly never lasted longer or provide more pleasure in so competent and passionate a manner since this incident in the basement rec room of his parents’ house. Sources added that Seldon’s technique and finesse had reached their nadir with the sloppy, unsatisfying sex he now has with his wife of 15 years, who unfortunately never got to experience her husband in his sexual prime, when he furiously rubbed against another body until ejaculating inside his boxer shorts.
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